Sacrifices

                 This story starts with a little girl that had been born in this cruel world and learns that the only way her family would be happy is that when she be mature and independent. At first it was hard for her to cope with being independent but she kept trying no matter what. She then was always hated and scolded for her temper by her mother and sister and grandmother. Despite the difficulty she faces to bring herself to be responsible for her family she also has to control who she is and all she learnt this from was from movies or other people's life stories. The way she got herself raised was how an orphan child in the middle of a dessert or jungle survives and learns the importance of being independent. She had to give up on many things as she grew. That is in the name of sacrifices. When she finally finished her schooling days she entered the national service and became even more stronger. She is a very ambitious person so even though you'd throw her into a pool to leave her to drown she would probably find something she fun or survive it somehow. She had to leave all her likings as a girl such as dolls, dress-up games, cooking games or even boys and make-up. All because if she don't act as a boy her father would not listen to her and stay united with the family. Every time on the eve of an auspicious day "Deepavali" she would have to leave her house prayer to follow her father to his family's house prayer just so her father and his family would think that she is closer with them. You see this girl's father and his family thinks her mother is a control freak and a really bad person because of how her father portrays her mother as. Moving on, after National Service, she came back home trying to figure out what she'd wanted to be and thought of being a professional singer and dancer but her mother never agreed. She's not really that smart and all she has is her talent. No one really appreciated her talents but her teacher said why don't you try MultiMedia Designing and she decided she might as well do it before her mother pushes her to do Medicine and waste all the money they have in the banks. This girl knows deep down in her heart she can't be a doctor knowing her IQ level. So she rushed and wanted to go for MultiMedia Designing. After signing up for it she didn't know she was the only non-chinese and she thought maybe we can start afresh but unfortunately the people in that college looked down on her. Let alone she has to face her mother's angry yet dull attitude at home, she has yet to face the torture and unpleasant people in her college. She still fought and a year later her mother came to accept the fact that she is in a good course and college and that is after her mother's friends and family told it was a good college and course. She gritted her teeth and faced her college for another year and her mother had never changed since. Her mother is turning against her day by day she could feel like no one was on her side when there was a problem and most of the problems were not caused by her. Her sister causes most of the problems and then her mother joins her sister and says she is the main reason why the family stays apart. Even now when she does her internship and has allowances of RM 300 she gives it all to her mother and yet they say all kinds of stuff that this poor girl's little heart can't take it. She cries once in a while because she can't shed a tear easily due to her past that she used to cry almost everyday. Its a sad life when she gave up everything and still has no rage to step up to them and voice out. They just push her back down and say stuffs like she is stupid enough o not know things but they do not understand that some people could only wish for sense of logic and general knowledge as that girl. She has a friend from high school and she educates this girl on her general knowledge and on other important things to know in life. But even though she has a friend who can comfort her and educate her she doesn't want to depend on her every time that it might seem like she is taking advantage of her dearest friend. Now she can't seem to go to anyone and can't seem to find a light to head towards it. She knows that even though her grandmother pulls her across the house by grabbing her hair or if her mother throws words like "You shouldn't have been born to this world! You're a disgrace!" or her sister who lights the fire to everything and sits aside and watches, she has no one and can't move out from either one of these people because they're like leeches who sucks the life out of her. But she will try and keep trying until she gets them out of her life and lives her life the way she wants to and happily to. Till that day comes I won't stop trying.

Felt like saying something.

It has been long, hasn't it? Today I feel like writing the updates and how I feel now. Usually its my complains on how some people can be careless with their life today I feel like confessing my carelessness that I have realized recently. I'm always thinking of how people look down at me and how it makes me feel useless. But today after a long thought with me, myself and my heart and brain debating inside me of what maybe right and what maybe wrong. I am glad that I watch movies like Cyberbully and An American Crime. These two movies in specific has made a great impact on me that now I feel I have gone to the next level of maturity. There are lots of people out there suffering from diseases, child abuse, lack of attention, and dramas that can be much worse than we can barely imagine in their schools. When I compare these thing to my life I am truly thankful for my life that GOD, The Almighty has given to me. When I come to think of it, although I had annoying popular people around me destroying my confidence, I still had friends who stood by me. And even though they changed to be someone I rather keep a distance from, yet they were at least there when I needed a friend. When I think of my life walkthrough so far, I always had a balance. When there were mean people, I had nice people with me and even though the nice people change to some one else, the point is I still had someone who can stand by me. As for what I wanna do with my future in terms of job, I shall wait but try for what I love just so in the future I wouldn't regret not trying. All I have to experience is love but then again, I am so focused in my life now that I can't see love beyond me. And as much as I hope to feel love, I will but I guess just not yet. May the Lord guide me to love while I focus on my life and income and family. Those out there who feels down or felt like how I felt before, do watch the two movies I stated above as you will realize that you have a better life. And an important tip. While watching the movie do NOT make excuses and compare your life and make your life seem worse. Cuz that is what I did on my first try but the second try, I let myself in the movie and felt what the main characters feel and instantly realized that theirs is much worse. In case for those of you who do not know, An American Crime is based on a true story. That's all for today. I shall live my life ahead with my head held high.

Thought of happiness

I am always the kind of person who likes to share. I was suffering all june to do my 3D model right and good enough to pass. Finally I finished my poster design and 3D model turnaround thats is only created after building the 3D model. I asked my lecturer if it was easy to fail that subject and he said that its not easy to fail but easy to pass the subject required if you complete everything you should be done with for example completing all three projects in the subject. I got very happy and felt like a million ton of weight has been lifted of me and when I was so happy I couldn't resist to think of sharing and especially when my sister said that her evening plans were cancelled and that she could pick me up from anytime when I'm done. So I offered to go to the movies together and that I would buy her ticket. I wanted to watch Monster University as I heard nice things about that movie. I just wanted to share my happiness and be happy. She had to go to temple in the evening today and so she made a big fuss calling me stupid and being rude to me on the phone and said she would see what she can do. I know, selfish much.  I just wanted to be happy and she just crushed all my happiness and took my mother on her side. The thing is, I believe material things are like bribing GOD and that giving them material things is not what they want exactly. But my mother and sister have always been the kind where if GOD should know that you are very devoted to the almighty, therefore you must buy things to present it in return of the favor you asked GOD. It is sad when some people just put in so much into something when all you have to do is just show your devotion by the love you shower to all of GOD's creations and following his steps. So there goes my happiness when all I wanted was just to share and hope they would be happy for me.

Being in a family you think is wrong for you

As my title says, you guys might be thinking that I'm having issues with my family again. That is "If" I had mentioned it before. Not so sure already. You know how it feels like when you often get pushed by your very own family. When all you ever want is just to get them to feel the same as how you feel. I have a family but they don't think like one let alone act like one. I always feel like they preferred the worst for me. I know many of you will say that family does the best thing for you. But I don't feel that. You can try to push that fact of yours into me but I don't think I can ever except it. When I was younger I never understood much when they pushed me around. I thought I was the only they could count on for anything. But as I grew, I began to realise that they only pushed me to learn things I didn't I want to learn, just for their benefits. I, never had the chance to do want I always wanted to do. That's my life. Ever had a mother who believes in astrologers? Ever had a sister who always seems to crush whatever you believe in? Ever had a father who always were never there for you? Well, I have all and as much as I hate to say it, I feel like I am a child that was never meant to be born. I have heard my mother say it, I have heard my sister say it to me indirectly and I have also heard dad call me a demon child for one mistake I did. And all I ever wanted was just happiness and for us to be like a family. But in return I've got all these words and saying that hurts me so badly. I just wish I have a family to cry when I cry. To laugh when I laugh and to console me when I'm down. I wanted to be many things in life and even have a motto saying "Never regret in the future". But with my family's attitude I can't be what I want and that leads to not following or trying to keep my life motto alive. I can say that now, I'm doing multimedia out of force and in fear that I would have to do something that would make me be stuck in it for many years. And even now, I am a fool to still think that I have a chance to do what I want. My dreams, of being a singer and sending messages through my songs for people to be a better person. My dreams, of being in the film industry all seems to go down the drains for an effort I can't put in even if I want to. Reason, its all because I love my family for the name of family and I know leaving them to satisfy myself will break them. It's because of all this, I wish to find true love. A true love in my opinion is someone who excepts for who you are in shape, size, colour, attitude, moods, character, believes, interests and many more. A true love will have arguments but their are arguments to be cherished and laughed  in the near future. I need someone who would love me for me. I know I am not beautiful and thin as a model but I know I can make you happy when you are sad. Advise when you are lost or given up. All the torture in my family and in college has been far too much for me to handle. I need a shoulder to rest on. I need someone to say that "Everything is going to be okay". I need someone to whisper in my ears when we are alone that he loves me. I need the soft and warm comfort of someone because I have been alone for far too long and its time to have someone by my side. Till true love is found. The End.

Lack of attention

Man, its been long since I blogged. You know that feeling when you try to talk to someone and that person just ignores you? Or, when you go somewhere in a big group and kinda got left out? If you you feel that way, then there is one thing I will say, which is, "We are in the same boat". My social since young was not really saying "Popular" but more of "Popular but not popular". I have always turned to be the girl to look for when you need her eventually, and this is from people's point of view. My whole school life sine I was in kindergarten has been that way. I am only there to listen to their complains and to help them when they need help. But when I am in desperate need of someone to be there for me, they all disappear. It has been the same in kindergarten, in primary school (age 7-12) and also in high school ( age 13-17). It's the same in college too. Actually worse in college. Especially when they put all the pressure on you when they could be sharing the pressure so it would be light on everyone. Best part is, they threw all pressure on me thinking they wouldn't be affected by any way but in this sense I think I have luck on my side because when I fell due to the pressure they threw on me, they fell along with their grades. Not to say that I wanted them to suffer for what they did, it's just I wanted things to be fair. Some think that that's a bad thing and some barely even cares. When I start to write about this topic, I tend to go very far and off topic too. I can go long about this but you know what I am going to try make it short and clear. Basically, in my life other than torturous learning area where I am treated like I'm not one of them ( aliens and such ). I have another place that no matter how much I get pushed down there despite the fact that I was already on the ground before approaching them, I still try to think that there is still hope for them to help me up, and that place is, my very own home. I live with a sister ,both parents and my grandmother. I get pushed down very often and its all for different reasons. Well, in kindergarten there were already the famous and the infamous. In primary school there were bias-ness. As much I hate to tell it but it seems that way. In high school there were bullies of the "group" (meaning a group of prefects/ a group of librarians/ a group of famous people or something like that) there was a division that I knew from start and hated it. Now, in college, I am treated like I am someone else (I feel like its a race issue but I don't know for sure what Is their real problem towards me). I know I did my all to help them but in return they hate me. There are some good ones but they are kinda far from me. I don't have that one person I could depend on no matter what. Sometimes i feel like have a boyfriend at least one will make you understand life better of be even more independent. I have been single since birth and no one liked me or even took me as a girl. I agree, I have been raised as a boy among my family. So while I took my lifetime to learn how to be a car mechanic, an electrician, a doctor, a physiotherapist, a nutritionist and more, my sister took her time to have fun. She has an ex-boyfriend and now currently crushing on one guy. Me, on the other hand, is searching for the one guy who sees me as a girl with feelings of a girl. Sure, I am not a hot stuff girl with model like look on the face or body and not as smart as Albert Einstein and I bet a lot people would be thinking why would anyone go out with her. Sometimes, they even say it to my face. At the current moment of total pressure and depression. I wish to get more attention from people. It doesn't have to be a love attention. It could a respect because all my life I just wanted one thing and one thing only, which is, respect that I am a girl and I am no different, in a bad way, than anyone out there. Can I have that one thing I wanted? I wonder.......

Fitting In

Ever felt like you are an alien from out of space. I know I do. I'm in a class who speaks a language I hardly understand at most of the times. Since they speak the same language I kinda feel like I'm being pushed. Am I sensitive? Yes, sadly its just in me when I know I should be a strong person. Sometimes its just hard to neglect that fact in you. But I do want to make myself a very strong and high esteemed person. All my life I just wanted to fit in. sounds familiar? I know, you probably heard it from the movies. But its true in my case. I have always been trying to fit in. Whether its in kindergarten, high school or college. Its all the same. I even try to fit in my family sometimes because the only ones who talk about family issues and what they do is my mother and my sister, but they both talk only among them. Do you know how it feels like when your mother and sister talks among them and you don't know what they are talking about then suddenly turns and asks you to agree with what they have talked among them and worse thing is when you look at them confused and lost about the topic they asked you to agree on, they get mad at you. Isn't it funny how, when you are actually innocent but you are the one that gets punished? The best part is I feel like since I can't fit in anywhere, therefore I don't have a place to turn to when I have nothing left. Okay, now I 'm sounding very emo like. I'm not an emo person or a super sensitive person either if that's what you might think. I just am lost at times when I realize all of a sudden that I am not fitting in. Sometimes I imagine something great happens to me and everyone respects me from then on. I can be a drama queen but its way deep inside of me that even my high school friend don't know about it. Yes, I have a high school friend and I know you will be asking why not I turn to her for a shoulder to lean on. The reason is that I don't plan on being dependent on anyone in case if I am left with no help. I don't plan on drowning in despair. That's all for now.. I have CLASS!!!!

Hospital Problem

I used to choose hospitals over clinics during the times when I was very much younger. But my experience in the hospital recently was just far too much to be patient about. I never like making people wait and I certainly don't like to wait myself. You see, if it was for and hour or two I understand as it is a semi-government hospital therefore there is too many patients to handle. I went to the hospital because my grandmother felt weak all of a sudden and it started three days back. We took the number which was 1054 and the current number shown was 1053. So logically there was only that one person to come out of the room for us to go in, but we waited for three hours to go in and give the blood and urine to test, just to come out again and wait for another five hours for the blood and urine diagnosis. I mean imagine if the patient can't take it anymore and they categorized the patient in normal instead of emergency. I understand emergency patients should be attended to first but what about senior citizens? Are they supposed to wait without eating and they didn't even let us know on how much longer it will take till our turn that when we finally decide to go get dinner the shops in the cafeteria was all mostly closed. How annoying. For your information my grandmother is a diabetic patient who is under the insulin medication. What if, she didn't bring her insulin along thinking that the hospital checkup would be quick? What happens then? Will they take the responsibility for anything that might happen to anyone in a crisis situation. A word of advice to all hospitals out there, don't keep one doctor to treat all patients! Instead have more doctors to treat different categories. For example, Emergency patients probably should have around two to three doctors and for senior citizens maybe another two doctors. And then for people who are not in the category of emergency and senior citizens maybe have another one doctor and hopefully they can act quick! People can't be waiting in the hospital for hours as we have other things to do! I am very disappointed and mad about this incident. The best part is that I had flu when I went there and it wasn't that bad until I waited that long and now I'm suffering from asthma and flu at the same time. So thanks alot hospital you made more people sick than curing them!