Tuesday 25 June 2013

Being in a family you think is wrong for you

As my title says, you guys might be thinking that I'm having issues with my family again. That is "If" I had mentioned it before. Not so sure already. You know how it feels like when you often get pushed by your very own family. When all you ever want is just to get them to feel the same as how you feel. I have a family but they don't think like one let alone act like one. I always feel like they preferred the worst for me. I know many of you will say that family does the best thing for you. But I don't feel that. You can try to push that fact of yours into me but I don't think I can ever except it. When I was younger I never understood much when they pushed me around. I thought I was the only they could count on for anything. But as I grew, I began to realise that they only pushed me to learn things I didn't I want to learn, just for their benefits. I, never had the chance to do want I always wanted to do. That's my life. Ever had a mother who believes in astrologers? Ever had a sister who always seems to crush whatever you believe in? Ever had a father who always were never there for you? Well, I have all and as much as I hate to say it, I feel like I am a child that was never meant to be born. I have heard my mother say it, I have heard my sister say it to me indirectly and I have also heard dad call me a demon child for one mistake I did. And all I ever wanted was just happiness and for us to be like a family. But in return I've got all these words and saying that hurts me so badly. I just wish I have a family to cry when I cry. To laugh when I laugh and to console me when I'm down. I wanted to be many things in life and even have a motto saying "Never regret in the future". But with my family's attitude I can't be what I want and that leads to not following or trying to keep my life motto alive. I can say that now, I'm doing multimedia out of force and in fear that I would have to do something that would make me be stuck in it for many years. And even now, I am a fool to still think that I have a chance to do what I want. My dreams, of being a singer and sending messages through my songs for people to be a better person. My dreams, of being in the film industry all seems to go down the drains for an effort I can't put in even if I want to. Reason, its all because I love my family for the name of family and I know leaving them to satisfy myself will break them. It's because of all this, I wish to find true love. A true love in my opinion is someone who excepts for who you are in shape, size, colour, attitude, moods, character, believes, interests and many more. A true love will have arguments but their are arguments to be cherished and laughed  in the near future. I need someone who would love me for me. I know I am not beautiful and thin as a model but I know I can make you happy when you are sad. Advise when you are lost or given up. All the torture in my family and in college has been far too much for me to handle. I need a shoulder to rest on. I need someone to say that "Everything is going to be okay". I need someone to whisper in my ears when we are alone that he loves me. I need the soft and warm comfort of someone because I have been alone for far too long and its time to have someone by my side. Till true love is found. The End.

Thursday 20 June 2013

Lack of attention

Man, its been long since I blogged. You know that feeling when you try to talk to someone and that person just ignores you? Or, when you go somewhere in a big group and kinda got left out? If you you feel that way, then there is one thing I will say, which is, "We are in the same boat". My social since young was not really saying "Popular" but more of "Popular but not popular". I have always turned to be the girl to look for when you need her eventually, and this is from people's point of view. My whole school life sine I was in kindergarten has been that way. I am only there to listen to their complains and to help them when they need help. But when I am in desperate need of someone to be there for me, they all disappear. It has been the same in kindergarten, in primary school (age 7-12) and also in high school ( age 13-17). It's the same in college too. Actually worse in college. Especially when they put all the pressure on you when they could be sharing the pressure so it would be light on everyone. Best part is, they threw all pressure on me thinking they wouldn't be affected by any way but in this sense I think I have luck on my side because when I fell due to the pressure they threw on me, they fell along with their grades. Not to say that I wanted them to suffer for what they did, it's just I wanted things to be fair. Some think that that's a bad thing and some barely even cares. When I start to write about this topic, I tend to go very far and off topic too. I can go long about this but you know what I am going to try make it short and clear. Basically, in my life other than torturous learning area where I am treated like I'm not one of them ( aliens and such ). I have another place that no matter how much I get pushed down there despite the fact that I was already on the ground before approaching them, I still try to think that there is still hope for them to help me up, and that place is, my very own home. I live with a sister ,both parents and my grandmother. I get pushed down very often and its all for different reasons. Well, in kindergarten there were already the famous and the infamous. In primary school there were bias-ness. As much I hate to tell it but it seems that way. In high school there were bullies of the "group" (meaning a group of prefects/ a group of librarians/ a group of famous people or something like that) there was a division that I knew from start and hated it. Now, in college, I am treated like I am someone else (I feel like its a race issue but I don't know for sure what Is their real problem towards me). I know I did my all to help them but in return they hate me. There are some good ones but they are kinda far from me. I don't have that one person I could depend on no matter what. Sometimes i feel like have a boyfriend at least one will make you understand life better of be even more independent. I have been single since birth and no one liked me or even took me as a girl. I agree, I have been raised as a boy among my family. So while I took my lifetime to learn how to be a car mechanic, an electrician, a doctor, a physiotherapist, a nutritionist and more, my sister took her time to have fun. She has an ex-boyfriend and now currently crushing on one guy. Me, on the other hand, is searching for the one guy who sees me as a girl with feelings of a girl. Sure, I am not a hot stuff girl with model like look on the face or body and not as smart as Albert Einstein and I bet a lot people would be thinking why would anyone go out with her. Sometimes, they even say it to my face. At the current moment of total pressure and depression. I wish to get more attention from people. It doesn't have to be a love attention. It could a respect because all my life I just wanted one thing and one thing only, which is, respect that I am a girl and I am no different, in a bad way, than anyone out there. Can I have that one thing I wanted? I wonder.......

Tuesday 11 June 2013

Fitting In

Ever felt like you are an alien from out of space. I know I do. I'm in a class who speaks a language I hardly understand at most of the times. Since they speak the same language I kinda feel like I'm being pushed. Am I sensitive? Yes, sadly its just in me when I know I should be a strong person. Sometimes its just hard to neglect that fact in you. But I do want to make myself a very strong and high esteemed person. All my life I just wanted to fit in. sounds familiar? I know, you probably heard it from the movies. But its true in my case. I have always been trying to fit in. Whether its in kindergarten, high school or college. Its all the same. I even try to fit in my family sometimes because the only ones who talk about family issues and what they do is my mother and my sister, but they both talk only among them. Do you know how it feels like when your mother and sister talks among them and you don't know what they are talking about then suddenly turns and asks you to agree with what they have talked among them and worse thing is when you look at them confused and lost about the topic they asked you to agree on, they get mad at you. Isn't it funny how, when you are actually innocent but you are the one that gets punished? The best part is I feel like since I can't fit in anywhere, therefore I don't have a place to turn to when I have nothing left. Okay, now I 'm sounding very emo like. I'm not an emo person or a super sensitive person either if that's what you might think. I just am lost at times when I realize all of a sudden that I am not fitting in. Sometimes I imagine something great happens to me and everyone respects me from then on. I can be a drama queen but its way deep inside of me that even my high school friend don't know about it. Yes, I have a high school friend and I know you will be asking why not I turn to her for a shoulder to lean on. The reason is that I don't plan on being dependent on anyone in case if I am left with no help. I don't plan on drowning in despair. That's all for now.. I have CLASS!!!!

Friday 7 June 2013

Hospital Problem

I used to choose hospitals over clinics during the times when I was very much younger. But my experience in the hospital recently was just far too much to be patient about. I never like making people wait and I certainly don't like to wait myself. You see, if it was for and hour or two I understand as it is a semi-government hospital therefore there is too many patients to handle. I went to the hospital because my grandmother felt weak all of a sudden and it started three days back. We took the number which was 1054 and the current number shown was 1053. So logically there was only that one person to come out of the room for us to go in, but we waited for three hours to go in and give the blood and urine to test, just to come out again and wait for another five hours for the blood and urine diagnosis. I mean imagine if the patient can't take it anymore and they categorized the patient in normal instead of emergency. I understand emergency patients should be attended to first but what about senior citizens? Are they supposed to wait without eating and they didn't even let us know on how much longer it will take till our turn that when we finally decide to go get dinner the shops in the cafeteria was all mostly closed. How annoying. For your information my grandmother is a diabetic patient who is under the insulin medication. What if, she didn't bring her insulin along thinking that the hospital checkup would be quick? What happens then? Will they take the responsibility for anything that might happen to anyone in a crisis situation. A word of advice to all hospitals out there, don't keep one doctor to treat all patients! Instead have more doctors to treat different categories. For example, Emergency patients probably should have around two to three doctors and for senior citizens maybe another two doctors. And then for people who are not in the category of emergency and senior citizens maybe have another one doctor and hopefully they can act quick! People can't be waiting in the hospital for hours as we have other things to do! I am very disappointed and mad about this incident. The best part is that I had flu when I went there and it wasn't that bad until I waited that long and now I'm suffering from asthma and flu at the same time. So thanks alot hospital you made more people sick than curing them!

Wednesday 5 June 2013

Too good to be true

This morning I had a very easy going morning.. Not much stress in class and not much stress and humiliation on me. People were nice to me and they seemed to be like a good friend I could probably last long with. As it was going on fine and smooth, the minute class ended, I left in the search of my next activity, which is briefing on my internship by my college. They stated the hall but not the block and it has been far too long for me to remember my college blocks and the classes in it. I went to a few places and still couldn't find it. Then! It all happened. The worry, the disturbed mind, the feel of being not in peace and being stuck in a situation all at the same time. Owh, and not forgetting the feel of being ill. When I fall ill, its not good. So my mum called and asked me till what time is my class and i replied saying my briefing finishes at 3pm. She told me that she was coming home early from work around 2.30pm because my grandma called her sounding like she was crying telling my mother that she couldn't take the pain any longer. Immediately, I got worried because I am the one looking after her health and I simply just can't take looking at her being in a sickly position after all that has happened to her. After I hanged up the phone. I called my grandma just to confirm her illness for myself but she sounded fine. So now I have to leave college as soon as possible to pick my mum up on the way and take my grandma to the clinic as soon as possible that is. May God be with us.

One fine Morning

So, I parked my car this morning and remembered that I had no coins for the parking ticket as in my country only coins are acceptable for street parking under the government rules. So I thought that people would be nice and give me some changes but then again its reality we are talking about. First I went to a mini mart and they said that they don't have coins. Then I went to two banks, the first one said that they don't have coins in their bank. My first impression was like how can a bank not have coins or do you actually think I'm that stupid?! Then the second bank, told me that I had to order for that much of coins and it will only arrive after three to four days. I had no idea who they think they are talking to but all I do know is their lying sucks to the core! I'm not mad. I'm just disappointed at how people/society/country resources treat one and another. It's either they should improve their systems or be more lenient with the citizens. If I didn't know much about banking line (thanks to my mum I do know quite a number of things) I would have thought their lie was true. I hope people can be better as to how God has designed human beings to be. Its really a disgrace seeing how people cheat other people. But honestly I know that I can't change the world for the better. I know it's impossible to do so but at least when I die, I know I tried.

Monday 3 June 2013

First Of June

Today as I walked around the mall, I saw people in the mall differently. I watched as some of them was buying some clothes, some have a seat probably after having a long walk, and some with their boyfriends or girlfriends trying to have the best date yet. So many people, so many thoughts, so many dreams, so many characters, so many personalities. Some fight, some happy, some sad, some satisfied. It was so interesting to look at how mankind evolved to be something really great. Ever thought of something beyond earth and space and galaxies? How many of them thinks the same and how many of them acts to reach where they want to reach? How many dreams high but gets too afraid or too low esteemed about reaching that dream? So many different people, so many things to wonder about. I wonder lastly, "Am I the only one to think like this?" Funny how the mind can just wonder within a split second thinking about all sorts of things at the same time. I wonder how many things we can think about in a second. In fact there's more than one thing I wonder about and I think you'd probably already know it. This Is Me And This Is How I Live Through My Day When I Walk Around Freely. So, Welcome to my Life!